Dignifying Marital Sexuality: Day 20
Author: Andrew Comiskey
November 02, 2020
‘The task of conjugal
chastity, and still more specifically of continence, lies not only in
protecting the importance of and the dignity of the conjugal act in relation to
its procreative meaning, but also in safeguarding the importance and
dignity proper to the conjugal act inasmuch as it expresses interpersonal
union, by revealing to the consciousness and experience of the spouses all
the other possible “manifestations of affection” that are to express their deep
communion.’ (TOB 128:6)
‘Constraining
concupiscence in marriage can be realized only though a deep understanding
of the personal dignity of both the feminine and the masculine “I” in
reciprocal shared life. This spiritual understanding is the fundamental fruit
of the gift of the Spirit that impels the person to reverence for the work of
God. It is from this understanding, and thus indirectly from this gift, that
all the “affective manifestations” that form the fabric of the stability of the
conjugal union draw true spousal meaning. This union is expressed though the
conjugal act only in some circumstances, but it can and should be manifested
continually every day, though the various “affective manifestations” that are
shaped though the power of a “disinterested” emotion by the other “I” in
relation to femininity and—reciprocally—in relation to masculinity.
The attitude of reverence
for the work of God, which the Spirit stirs up in the spouses, has an
enormous significance for those “affective manifestations” because it
goes hand in hand with the capacity for profound pleasure in, admiration
for, disinterested attention to the “visible” and at the same time “Invisible”
beauty of femininity and masculinity, and finally, a profound appreciation
for the disinterested gift of the “other.”’ (TOB 132:4)
TOB concludes with a
robust ‘yes’ to marital love in the context of spousal communion. Sexual orgasm
has not the last word—dignifying love for the beloved does. This is a more
obvious reference to Humanae Vitae, the radical encyclical written in the late
sixties by Pope St. Paul VI that forbade contraception. So how does a married
couple not contracept but wisely plan a family, asks Sts. Paul VI and John Paul
II? By expanding one’s lovemaking repertoire beyond orgasm.
Wow. Radical thought.
Context matters. I picture a traditional scenario of a man insisting on sex
rather than ‘burning’ while the woman lies there limply, hoping not for a 9th child. Here we see St. John Paul II’s genius. He says, in essence, ‘You both
bear God’s image, possessing a mind and a will: learn how to manifest love to
each other in a manner that confirms your union but does not require an
explosion each time you come together.’ I behold here something progressive and
profound that challenges both parties to love beyond a quick release. It is a
call to communion.
A few things that I hear
St. John Paul II say: confirm every day the other’s desirability. Cultivate
‘affective manifestations’ of appreciation for one’s masculinity or femininity.
Admire your spouse’s distinction from you: see and say the virtues you witness
within the other’s visible gender ‘gift.’ Work at self-disinterest and discover
what the other needs. Talk about your sexual life together. What secures? What
confuses? Honestly, I hear St. John Paul
II speaking for most women everywhere and challenging men to consider the whole
of their spouses, not merely sensational possibilities. Both parties also must
track cycles of fertility, taking cues from the wife.
I hear a call for couples
to intentionally grow to know and love this other in the full spousal meaning
of masculinity and femininity. Sexual communion. More than an orgasm.
As I consider Annette and
the ebbs and flows of passion we’ve experienced in many seasons of life, St.
John Paul II rings like a bell. I have grown much in savoring the whole of Annette’s
feminine beauty, which anchors me as man--a husband and father--more than
anything else. Our kids and grandkids benefit. We’ve opened to life together
‘out of reverence for Jesus’ (Eph. 5:21)--the thesis for true communion. We cultivate an appreciation for the whole
marvelous gift of each other. May all who aspire to the ‘spousal meaning of the
body’ do the same.
‘Grow us into true
communion, Jesus. We are foolish, equating sex with explosions rather than
caring for the whole of another. Teach us to deepen appreciation for our
spouses’ sexual gift. We want to open to real life together and so prepare a
home for children in which sexual love is as earthy as it is holy, dignifying
to all. Thank You for commissioning Your son, St. John Paul II, to help us
toward that end.’
'Jesus,
thank You for confirming Amy Coney Barrett to the US Supreme Court, Your
bright light in a dismal political season.'
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