Kingdom Kindness: Marriage Heals

Author: Andrew Comiskey
June 17, 2024

We celebrate Pride Month by showcasing Jesus’ Kingdom kindness: how His love invites and enables sexually wounded people to become fruitful. May every testimony we feature this June persuade you that ‘the kindness of God leads us to repentance’ (Rom. 2:4).

Whole-enough marriages heal. Even from adultery. That most profound and personal divide can be crossed by both spouses picking up their crosses. A bloody mess, yes, but when surrounded by a community of that Cross—namely, Jesus made real through His members, the wound of adultery heals, even improving the marriage, one layer at a time.   

Karen and Morgan Davis are two of my favorite people. I came to know them decades ago just after Morgan came clean from acting out homosexually during the first six years of his marriage to Karen. She knew his history of same-sex attraction but nothing of a double life. What she did know: something was wrong, vacant, disconnected with Morgan.

She personalized the void: ‘It must be me’, a familiar interpretation. Morgan’s disclosure after Holy Spirit-hounding for years relieved her. ‘This isn’t my fault.’

Strange: the bitter revelation of adultery birthed hope for a marriage built on real connection, not appearance. Both spouses were committed active Christians, not above putting up a shiny front while hurting alone. Yet Morgan’s decision to lay down everything set transformation in motion. He placed his livelihood, his ministry, and his social saint on the chopping block. ‘The Holy Spirit won’t let up. I give up. I’m trusting Jesus.’ After 6 years of controlled chaos, Morgan was done with deception. Really. He didn’t look back. I know. I stood with him.

Both parties needed to get saved. Again. They didn’t dive into marriage counseling. Each allowed Jesus to immerse them as individuals in His unfailing love. For Morgan: ‘Jesus, You love me, not my getting it right.’ For Karen: ‘Jesus, You just love me.’ It took months to overcome self-rejection and simply trust that His love was enough. For both, personal intimacy with Jesus was the launch for deeper intimacy with each other.

Jesus the Head came through His Body. Not only did they draw water from their good local church, but they also immersed themselves in Living Waters and Portland Fellowship (excellent ministry!). The only downer from the surrounding community was a friend who insisted to Karen that Morgan couldn’t and wouldn’t change. Gut punch, recover, move on.

Morgan had a holy fear of God. He set tight limits with his recovery team on when he went out and why (Portland had become an immoral landmine for him). He began to express constantly to Karen his new truth: ‘I am for you…’ He meant it, as much as he could. She wanted to believe it.

One inequity: Morgan in his repentance became a recovery hero. While he was being cheered as the prodigal, winsome in humility, Karen was overlooked. She had to work a little harder to find resources for what arguably was her greater wound.

She did. An excellent counselor coached Karen to refuse to play Holy Spirit for Morgan. She laid down hypervigilance. Too much. She learned to trust God for Morgan’s recovery and her 3 small kids (at that point). Karen grew up with a mother embittered by a broken husband. Karen offered that familiar bitterness to Jesus constantly. She was intent on not souring her new family.

Morgan experienced Karen’s acceptance of him and belief in the integrity of his recovery as pure grace. ‘She never held my failures over me. That healed me more than anything.’

For Karen, the biggest concern wasn’t Morgan’s prowling. ‘I wasn’t there in his sin. I don’t want or need to major on that. What matters to me is what I didn’t get—connection, deep conversation, real marriage. That’s what I want.’

Karen submitted to Jesus and good counsel; He gave her a voice. She began to engage with Morgan in a way that made him uncomfortable. ‘Talk? About that? Again?’ Like many men, Morgan needed to open to Karen and discover and employ words he had never used. Not incapacity, just lack of exercise. Karen prodded him; she insisted on active communication. They learned to reveal themselves, over and over, in unfamiliar ways.

Engaging with one another became familiar. I witnessed a marriage slowly awakening. ‘The awareness of Morgan’s failures invited us to build, not rebuild a marriage. I didn’t really have one the first six years,’ said Karen. ‘Now I do.’ ‘Jesus gave us boundless hope, as did our community,’ Morgan explained. ‘He guided me with help from my friends to reveal myself to Karen in ways I had never done.’

Five years ago, Morgan and Karen admitted their painful beginnings to four, now adult, children. They were old enough and needed to know because they had suffered too, the way sin impacts everyone around us. Four faith-filled young adults benefitted from the truth: the Mercy that restores even parents, and the Mercy waiting for them in their personal deserts.

Marriage, when surrendered to Head and Body, heals. And overflows to heal others. Morgan and Karen are among our most fruitful Living Waters leaders at Bridgetown Church in Portland, Oregon.
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